Sunday, May 1, 2011

Sunday, Sorrow & Suzanne

To Whom It May Concern,

Dear mia,
Thank you so much for signing in with me. Welcome to the madness, Babe!

Hey everybody, how's it going? Thank you so much for your great comments. Your words heal me. You are all truly outstanding human beings. Thank you for caring.

I'm working on a bottle of red wine and thinking about the last few weeks and what a total and utter disaster they have been. I just can't seem to keep my urges, impulses and compulsions under control. I'm too terrified to weigh myself, for fear of what I might see. I can't explain what has caused this sudden resurgence in all my old ways, but I can't stop binging. I don't mean eating like a 'normal' person, I mean all-out binge-fest! I've been eating anything and everything in sight. I feel like I have no joy in my life and I'm trying to over compensate for that with food. How sad! The voice I hear over and over is my mother's saying: "No, you can't have that!", to which my little child's voice replies: "Watch me!" I then proceed to eat all the things I was denied as a child, almost as if in an attempt to correct something still unresolved from my childhood. Needless to say, I hate my mother and I will never forgive her and I'm totally cool with that!

I really need to get my shit together, I can't carry on like this. The thought of not being in control of my life and my issues depresses me and makes me feel not OK with myself. I don't think I will ever love myself, but one day I do want to like myself or, at the very least, not completely hate myself. Hmm... here's hoping...

I leave you now with this song from Suzanne Vega, off her album, Nine Objects Of Desire. It's called "Caramel" and it's my theme song. I hope this new week is better. All my love.

Cinnamon Brown.

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