Friday, May 6, 2011

Fear & Loathing

To Whom It May Concern,

Dear Bones and Lizzie,
Thanks so much for signing in, girls. I hope you both have a wicked weekend!

Hey everyone! It's another grey day here today. We've had some lovely rain all through the night. I don't know about you, but I sleep better in the rain. Or, should I say, I usually do. I seem to be battling to sleep again. I went to bed well after 2:00am this morning and just lay there, thinking about pointless nonsense. The same pointless nonsense that I thought about all of yesterday.

Yesterday was a weird one. I spent the day opening the doors of my grocery cupboard and fridge and just staring into both storage spaces (nice try, BOB- Fucker!). I just looked. I looked at all the pretty bottles and the colourful labels on the tins with the yummy things inside them that I so dearly love to fill my empty spaces with. I looked and I looked, as if trying to find an answers to the questions that have been plaguing me for so long. Why me? Why do I do this? Will it ever end? Will it get worse? That's my biggest fear, that it's going to get worse and there's not a damn thing I can do about it! I fear that I'm slowly losing my mind and I'm just not aware of it.


I spent a lot of time going over my personality test results, looking up the definitions of the different disorders and it left me with a sense of panic. Sure, these things are very broad spectrum and you can't put individuals in a box, but the fact is, I still bear the symptoms of these disorders and fear they may escalate as I get older. I've developed an irrational fear that I'm going to die this year, partly because my bitch-mother was my age when she developed breast cancer. There's along history of it in the family. I also fear that I will come home one day and find that my house has been broken into and the walls have been vandalised with hate speech, pertaining to me.This happens repeatedly, until I call in an investigator, who places a camera in my house, to see who's responsible and the camera reveals that it was ME all along, just like in Never Talk To Strangers! (this is why sleep deprivation is bad for you!) I worry that the different aspects of my personality are slowly becoming disintegrated and that soon, I will go off the deep end entirely. People will say: "Gosh, she seemed like such a pleasant, well adjusted person, I didn't see that coming at all!" Honestly, I don't really think that, people have enough of their own problems to be dealing with and life is hard for everyone.


I really hate how weak I am around food. I hate the fact that I stared into the cupboards and fridge, even though I didn't eat anything, other than my set meals for the day. I just sighed and walked away, feeling disappointed, you know? Disappointed that I'm so pathetic, sulky, like a child, that I couldn't have a treat/pick-me-up, angry that I associate food with happiness and mostly, sad that I'm an addict. Society sees us as such pitiable, pathetic creatures, don't they? I hate it when people patronize me. I think this is why I tend to be taciturn about my problems and disorders. Partly, I feel that people don't really give a toss, but mostly I just can't take people feeling sorry for me. I really am my own worst enemy! I realise that when I say I feel like a child being denied something nice, that I'm the one doing the denying and that I could just as easily commit the awful sin of permission and say, "It's OK, you can have it", but where would that lead? Right back into the woods, that's where! I'd just as soon as NOT give BOB the satisfaction, thanks!

I think the best thing to do is to distract myself. I can't let my mind wander off to these dark places, or if it does, I can't allow it to dwell there for too long. No, I think I'll go to town today and pick up something nice for the boys' dinner. I'll practice being strong and not give in to my compulsions, no matter how desperate I am to put something in my mouth. ("Try cyanide!"..."Fuck off, BOB!") I must be a grown-up get on with it, even though I don't want to! I'm reminded now of a great quote I heard from FishPyjamas and that is: "No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up!" A good one to tape to your bathroom mirror, for those morning's when you can't face going to work! Never let them see you bleed!

Any way, have a great weekend, all and to all, my love.

Cinnamon Brown.

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