A Shocking State Of Affairs!

Miranda Kerr.

To Whom It May Concern,

What in fuck's holy name???!!! This week went totally tits-up! I didn't even bother to weigh myself. I am a loser and a failure! Feel better about yourselves, read about my epic failure!

Amazing photo courtesy of grantthegeek !

So, I noticed a trend in candy canes amongst our group and decided to join in. This is the 'silly season', after all! I found one that's totally me, too! Look at the pretty rainbow! (Idiot!)  In a moment of creativity, I added the bell and the bow! (Big idiot!) At first, I had every intention of buying the candy cane, taking a photo for my blog and giving it to my neighbour's 9 year old, but naturally, being the sucker that I am, it went nom-nom! No will power! But wait, it gets worse!

Last week, I discovered the evil delights of cinnamon biscuits (Snickerdoodles!), thanks to a naughty pixie-child named Mika! Notice how I totally blame someone else, like I was held at gunpoint! (I'm such a loser and a prat!) Sorry Miks! You deserve a much better friend than me! I suck, sideways! (Pointless info for all my American chums: your cookies are our biscuits, your biscuits are our scones.) Fucking evil baked goods! Speaking of which...

I've been frequenting The Pastry Works in Fernglen. I'm so ashamed! We now refer to this establishment as 'The Dark Side'! 10 cm² (4 inch²) chocolate brownies (third shelf, dusted with powdered sugar!), white chocolate ganache filled cinnamon buns (Top shelf, next to chocolate mousse shots!) look at the size of those motherfuckers! ...god hates me! Caution: the following photograph contains graphic images of pure evil!

Awesome photo courtesy of grantthegeek

And there's more... My housemate works in customer care and usually saves people a lot of money by adjusting/correcting  inaccurate meter readings. Naturally, the customers are extremely grateful and every end of the year he comes home with at least 2 Christmas gift baskets laden with evil goodies. Goodies such as wine, whiskey, chocolates, nuts, biltong (beef jerky) and droëwors (dried spicy sausage)! And here's the embarrassing bit, my C.O.E. totally returned with a vengeance and before I knew it, I was in over my head. I'm pathetic! I ate my body weight in crap this week. Crap like this...

Courtesy of  2give's blog. Bastards!

Finally, to top it all off last night, I had a double cheese burger and chips (fries) and washed it down with a coke and then followed that with dark hazelnut and dark cherry-chili chocolate! Words cannot describe my self loathing! I had a spastic colon all night, coupled with a nasty case of gallbladder colic! Indescribable agony, a fitting punishment for such despicable behaviour! I had reached a new all time low. I hung my head in shame and sulked like a five year old!... SEVERE DEPRESSION!!!

Then, just when I saw my darkest hour, an angel arrived on dark, gossamer wings. My light in the darkness, my hope in the despair... dear Kate! Once again she saved me from myself. She always knows when I need her most. Her site is always a source of tremendous inspiration and thinsperation to me. I most highly recommend you  visit her here. Her latest post is deeply uplifting and self affirming. Thank you, Kate, for coming to my rescue, once again and reminding me of who I really am underneath it all. Much love.

I PROMISE TO TRY HARDER IN THE COMING WEEK!!!

Even though, after reading this post, you may be totally grossed out, I hope that you are well, nonetheless and if you are in the North, keeping warm and if you are in the South, using sunscreen! My fondest regards to you all. You're all wonderful!

Sincerely,
Cinnamon Brown.